A conversation with my niece while playing with play-doh:
Her: "What's a wild animal we can make with the red play-doh?"
Me: "Hmm. A bird? What about a red bird?"
Her: "No, a wild animal!"
Me: "Haha, okay... maybe a fox?"
Her: thinking... "Laura, can you make me a fox out of the red play-doh?"
Me: "Maybe, I'm not sure I know how."
Her: "Of course you do!"
Me: "Why?"
Her: "Because you're a grown-up, and grown-ups know how to do everything."
Kids say the darndest things. It's especially funny when they say them with 100% confidence. What's weird is that I actually remember thinking that as a little kid. Grown-ups knew everything. They were confident in all that they did, and their knowledge was infinite. I never once thought that my parents had questions or insecurities about their life, their jobs, or raising their kids. I used to tell my dad he should be the president because I really believed he would be the best at it. I know now that he would probably hate it, because he takes f o r e v e r to make decisions (I mean come on, engineers are just not made to be politicians). My mom always knew the right words to say when I needed help or I was frustrated or I didn't know what to do in a situation (she still does). But I know now that she has a lot of doubt and insecurities about her own decisions. It was a weird feeling when I realized that.
And here I am. A "grown-up," living life and making decisions for myself and with my husband, confident in some of those but unsure about a lot of them. I think the hardest thing about becoming an adult is realizing that you never reach that feeling of having it all together. I always pictured that feeling being a given when I got older. It's almost like I expected to feel the transition from child to adult. When I graduated college, things definitely felt different but that was mostly because I moved away from friends and the weight of the responsibility for my life finally hit my shoulders for good. But I did not feel any more confident than I felt when I left for college at 18. I still felt insecure, unsure that I was making good decisions, and waiting for that aha moment when I finally could have it all together. That feeling never came. In the past three years I've grown and changed, and while I don't feel completely confident in all I'm doing, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I think what's changed is my perspective more than anything. I've come to realize that we're all in the same boat, wondering if what we're doing will turn out okay. There's comfort in that.
The thing is, it's in those moments where I have to make tough decisions, that I have experienced the most growth. Yes, I rely on help from the Lord and from people I trust around me, but still a lot of things in life are simply moments where I have to take a leap of faith. I've learned to jump wholeheartedly into the unknown, and trust that I'll know what to do when I get there. And if I don't, I'll improvise.The more leaps of faith I take, the less timid I am. When I look back and see how I've grown, I can confidently say that I am not the same person I was three years ago - in a good way.
I am thankful for growth. I am thankful for change. And I am thankful for a world that pushes me to make decisions that I don't want to make, because I am a better person for it.
Laura, this is such a great post! The quote from your niece is hilarious, but you're right, as kids we think that adults can do everything, but when we become them we aren't as confident. I agree with you that I feel much more mature now than when I graduated, but it has been a gradual process for sure. Unfortunately it's the tough things that allow us to grow, but praise God for that!
ReplyDeleteYes, so glad He walks with us through it all!
Deleteit is scary to jump into things when the future is unknown. and scary and hard to be a "grown-up". and it is comforting to know you are not alone in the whole thing too!
ReplyDeleteyes to so many things about this post. i also felt as i became an adult, the realization that you may never have it all together. and i feel like in our 20's we think we graduate college and get that one job and we're happy...and we start to freak out if we don't, or if someone else does and we don't. but i mentioned to a friend last week...we'll probably be working for 40 - 50 years. why in the first 5, or 10, are we supposed to nail down that "dream job". i mean what a joke. our dreams, plans, desires, wants and needs change. and we need to have the courage to change with them. we need to have the courage to take the exact leaps of faith you talk about. so much of this post resonated with me - thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I love hearing what kids say- it's so innocent and usually funny and oftentimes even thought-provoking, like this. I definitely remember thinking grownups had it all together. And I'm kind of still waiting for me to start feeling like I actually AM a grownup! I definitely don't have it all together, but I don't think I've quite grasped that I never will be able to. It's in my personality to want to have all my ducks in a row and have it "all together", but that's just not going to happen. So thankful for God's grace that pours over me in my inadequacy!
ReplyDeleteI agree, you HAVE grown so much in the last 3 years, and I think it is mostly because you ARE willing to take those leaps of faith and try new things while at the same time depending on God to give you His strength and courage. I love hearing about the innermost parts of your life...thank you for sharing your heart with your readers. I'm so proud of you, Laura, for the woman you have become and are still becoming. Thank you for thinking that I know the right thing to do in situations (ha!), and for loving me me even with my insecurities and doubts.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much,
Mom